Living It Large, Volume II: Crash Dieting: An Update

As promised, I shall keep you updated on the trials and tribulations that have made up my past week, as I attempt to maintain a healthy diet, overcoming almost some obstacles.

All was going well. I  had replaced my eleven cups of tea with some green stuff with various minerals in it. Anything chocolate was substituted with something that has "Oaty" in the title. Dinner was tasteless and my evenings were miserable. I assumed it was going well. 

On Saturday night I made the wise decision to replace my usual tipple of cider, with a less fat therefore healthier, vodka substitute. This was an A+ health-aware decision, I'm sure you'll agree. However, as a result of this sensible decision the following, regrettable actions were taken.

Shame

Damning virtual evidence of my failure is in abundance, thanks to my dear friend, Sarah. She's no longer my friend.

The horse is so very high and return is almost incomprehensible.  

Living It Large, Volume II: Crash Dieting

For the first time in my life, I am attempting to lose weight. Maybe second...following a charade of a diet that lasted two weeks earlier this summer. After losing a riveting three pounds I went on a three month-long celebratory binge. So I'm pretty sure that doesn't count.

For anyone that knows me you will  be well aware of my diet. Bordering on malnutrition, my day-to-day sustenance is comprised of crisps and potatoes. After all, that is what Padraig Pearse would have wanted. After recently discovering that Mr. Pearse, was not in fact a dietician, but an Irish rebel I am pretty disappointed that I sacrificed six inches of height and good skin for no reason. 

Until now I have lived a rosy, guilt-free life. I filled my days with Supersize McDonald's meals and breakfasts of butter, up until the harrowing day when I was abandoned by my oldest friend, Mr. Metabolism. Like a comfort blanket, I clung onto him for dear life, but he was right, I took him for granted. So he left me. All alone and growing the wrong direction.

For weeks I waited by the phone. He never called.

But with the help of Whitney Houston and her inspirational words, I know I must face the world alone, sans my fried friends. With the self-control of a child or fat person, I will update my blog with how horrible my healthy lifestyle is, and hope that it will be an encouragement to achieve. Otherwise, I'll just lie about it...

Lettuce, the poor man's burger.